Stripped from the bowels of my friends' Facebook posts and other insanity that comes out of my head

Friday, June 23, 2017

Fond Childhood Memory: Rebellion

One winter, when I was in Elementary school, I wanted to wear shorts to school.  My mother, of course, thought this was incredibly silly.

Mom: You can't wear shorts to school, its winter!
Me: why not?
Mom: Because its winter, you don't wear shorts in winter, your legs will freeze.
Me: but its ok to wear skirts and dresses to school and freeze your legs?
Mom: Well... but you wear tights or pantyhose and those keeps your legs warm.
Me: Pffft, are you kidding me?
Mom: Don't mouth off, you just can't wear shorts to school in winter.
Dad: oh let her wear shorts to school in winter if she wants

Gosh I loved my dad!  So, off I went to Chandler Elementary School in shorts.  As the normal routine, all of the kids played in the school yard until the bell rang and then we'd line up and walk into the school and into our classrooms.  None of the other kids seemed to have noticed that I was wearing shorts in winter, but as soon as the bell rang and we lined up, one of the teachers pulled me out of the line.

Teacher: What are you wearing?
Me: shorts
Teacher: Does your mother know you're wearing shorts to school in winter?
Me: yes
Teacher: (speechless for a few seconds) You're Jon's daughter, aren't you?
Me: yes
Teacher: get inside

One winter I asked for iced tea instead of milk.  Everyone thought I was insane.  You simply don't drink ice tea in winter, it was against the law.. or something.  My argument was that people drank sodas in the winter, and they drank other juices in the winter, what's the difference between that and drinking ice tea.  Its as if it was physically impossible to make ice tea during the winter or something, it was a "seasonal" drink.  I would like to think that I had something to do with the fact that you can get iced tea any time of the year now. 

The beauty of living in a small town is that most of my teachers also taught my father, so they pretty much knew what they were getting into.

Like the time I got a little magnet in a book, and for show and tell I talked about how magnets worked.  My teacher asked me to demonstrate, and since she was wearing a metal watch on a necklace, I plopped that sucker right on the watch... I didn't realize that putting magnets on watches was a bad thing.  Apparently it was an heirloom passed down from a few zillion generations.  She just looked at me and said "Yep, you're Jon's daughter".

I loved that.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Things That Have Kicked Loki's Ass

Loki (one of our Siberian Huskies) acts tough, but is a total wimp.  He regularly gets his ass kicked by regular household items.

This is a collection of things that have kicked his ass.

Piece of snow in his paw
A butterfly
A Chair
A Rug
A Rat Snake
A Raised Water Bowl
A Stuffed Dog

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Profound thoughts (after coffee)

The key to sanity is determining your sphere of happiness and blocking out the rest.

And this

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Sinus Drawers

I, and a lot of my friends, suffer from weather-related sinus issues.

There's really nothing better than having your sinuses feel as though they are about to explode, cause that glorious ice-pick in the eye pain, and general nausea.

So far, the only options are:

  • hand full of drugs (that don't really help)
  • Neti Pot (euuuuuuuuuuuuuuw)
  • Saline sprays
  • More drugs
  • Gouging your eye out with an actual ice pick
  • Shoving a drain snake up your nose
My solution is © Sinus Drawers (patent pending)

In a simple procedure, trained surgeons will install fashionable and stylish drawers in your sinus cavities.  You can even choose the style of your drawer and the hardware for the drawer pullers.  Easy to update as styles change, all you need to do when your sinuses are all stopped up and won't drain is to pull the drawer out and empty.

These drawers could also be used to store valuables (because who wants valuables covered in snot, am I right?).

If you get a cold or the flu, then all you need to do is attach the optional © Sinus Slides, so all of that gunk just rolls out onto the slide and into the also optional © Sinus Baggy.  No more blowing your nose endlessly, just make sure your © Sinus Baggy is connected and head on into work!

Coming soon to a strip mall near you!