Stripped from the bowels of my friends' Facebook posts and other insanity that comes out of my head

Friday, June 23, 2017

Fond Childhood Memory: Rebellion

One winter, when I was in Elementary school, I wanted to wear shorts to school.  My mother, of course, thought this was incredibly silly.

Mom: You can't wear shorts to school, its winter!
Me: why not?
Mom: Because its winter, you don't wear shorts in winter, your legs will freeze.
Me: but its ok to wear skirts and dresses to school and freeze your legs?
Mom: Well... but you wear tights or pantyhose and those keeps your legs warm.
Me: Pffft, are you kidding me?
Mom: Don't mouth off, you just can't wear shorts to school in winter.
Dad: oh let her wear shorts to school in winter if she wants

Gosh I loved my dad!  So, off I went to Chandler Elementary School in shorts.  As the normal routine, all of the kids played in the school yard until the bell rang and then we'd line up and walk into the school and into our classrooms.  None of the other kids seemed to have noticed that I was wearing shorts in winter, but as soon as the bell rang and we lined up, one of the teachers pulled me out of the line.

Teacher: What are you wearing?
Me: shorts
Teacher: Does your mother know you're wearing shorts to school in winter?
Me: yes
Teacher: (speechless for a few seconds) You're Jon's daughter, aren't you?
Me: yes
Teacher: get inside

One winter I asked for iced tea instead of milk.  Everyone thought I was insane.  You simply don't drink ice tea in winter, it was against the law.. or something.  My argument was that people drank sodas in the winter, and they drank other juices in the winter, what's the difference between that and drinking ice tea.  Its as if it was physically impossible to make ice tea during the winter or something, it was a "seasonal" drink.  I would like to think that I had something to do with the fact that you can get iced tea any time of the year now. 

The beauty of living in a small town is that most of my teachers also taught my father, so they pretty much knew what they were getting into.

Like the time I got a little magnet in a book, and for show and tell I talked about how magnets worked.  My teacher asked me to demonstrate, and since she was wearing a metal watch on a necklace, I plopped that sucker right on the watch... I didn't realize that putting magnets on watches was a bad thing.  Apparently it was an heirloom passed down from a few zillion generations.  She just looked at me and said "Yep, you're Jon's daughter".

I loved that.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Things That Have Kicked Loki's Ass

Loki (one of our Siberian Huskies) acts tough, but is a total wimp.  He regularly gets his ass kicked by regular household items.

This is a collection of things that have kicked his ass.

Piece of snow in his paw
A butterfly
A Chair
A Rug
A Rat Snake
A Raised Water Bowl
A Stuffed Dog

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Profound thoughts (after coffee)

The key to sanity is determining your sphere of happiness and blocking out the rest.

And this

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Sinus Drawers

I, and a lot of my friends, suffer from weather-related sinus issues.

There's really nothing better than having your sinuses feel as though they are about to explode, cause that glorious ice-pick in the eye pain, and general nausea.

So far, the only options are:

  • hand full of drugs (that don't really help)
  • Neti Pot (euuuuuuuuuuuuuuw)
  • Saline sprays
  • More drugs
  • Gouging your eye out with an actual ice pick
  • Shoving a drain snake up your nose
My solution is © Sinus Drawers (patent pending)

In a simple procedure, trained surgeons will install fashionable and stylish drawers in your sinus cavities.  You can even choose the style of your drawer and the hardware for the drawer pullers.  Easy to update as styles change, all you need to do when your sinuses are all stopped up and won't drain is to pull the drawer out and empty.

These drawers could also be used to store valuables (because who wants valuables covered in snot, am I right?).

If you get a cold or the flu, then all you need to do is attach the optional © Sinus Slides, so all of that gunk just rolls out onto the slide and into the also optional © Sinus Baggy.  No more blowing your nose endlessly, just make sure your © Sinus Baggy is connected and head on into work!

Coming soon to a strip mall near you!

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Genius Bar Visit

Sunday, a week before Christmas my iPhone decided it didn't want to charge any more.  Actually, it wanted to charge, but when you put the plug in, it was very loose.  I was convinced that I had messed up the charging port (too many times grabbing the phone thinking it was unplugged and yanking the plug out or something) and was pretty depressed with the notion that I may have to get stuck with a crappy iPhone 7 instead of waiting for the much hyped new 8's that aren't out yet.

I got online and tried to make a weekend appointment with a "genius".  My choices were:
Monday (the next day) at 5:45pm or
September 2017 or something.

I opted for Monday at 5:45pm... at a mall... less than a week before Christmas.  Shoot me.

I started driving to the mall early to anticipate massive traffic jams, and no parking at the mall.  I figured 2 hours.

To make matters worse, my phone was only at 30%, the only way to charge it was to hold the phone cord a certain way, and hold the phone a certain way, and this can't be done while driving so I didn't have any navigation aids.  I know how to get to the mall without navigation aids, but I'll be damned if I felt as though I was blazing a new trail for Lewis and Clark without a compass and totally lost.

I got there in like 20 minutes.  I found a parking spot 3 feet from the front door right away.

Damn... now I have like over an hour to wait for my appointment.

The inside of the mall was practically abandoned and void of people except for 6 million kiosk hand lotion salespeople.  I tried to make my way through the halls to the closest Starbucks without being harassed by walking quickly, head straight ahead (no eye contact with those people), and hugging the other side of the mall, but they were very hungry for customers.  Desperate for customers.  Probably hadn't sold anything for weeks needed someone to fall for their overpriced and totally worthless hand lotion.

They started YELLING at me from across the hall!  Some even ran up to me, pushing their sample at my face... I now know what antelopes feel like in the Serengeti plains.  At one point a guy screamed "HEY LADY, GET YOUR SAMPLE!", and I couldn't take it any more so I stopped, turned and yelled.


Just to make sure, I stared him down until he retreated behind his kiosk.

Oddly enough, after getting my latte and walking back through... not a peep.  Walked back through again... nothing.  They seemed afraid.  Mission accomplished.

Now that I had wasted 15 minutes "window shopping", I figured I'd just find a nice place to sit and waste some time playing Candy... oh crap, my phone is almost dead.  So I found some comfy chairs and sat there... and sat there... and sat.... there.  Life before phones was undoubtedly unbearable.

I happened to look at a sign at Rack Room Shoes that said:

So... um... do they?  Don't they?  Do you have to ask?  What the hell?

Thankfully I was distracted by the festive Christmasy music playing "Baby It's Cold Outside".  Recently this tune has been deemed horribly insensitive and triggering for some reason so I got to see hordes of sensitive people fleeing for the Mall Safe Space room.

Ok, that actually didn't happen except for in my head, but it did make me laugh.

I gave up and decided to show up early to my appointment to see if they could squeeze me in.  There were 5 people in the Apple store, but the concierge told me to take a seat in the back on some wooden blocks (that were surprisingly comfortable) and wait for my appointment time... ugh.

Thankfully a Pre-Genius showed up and said that it was his job to get as much information as possible so the genius would know what was going on.  I explained, he smiled and pulled out a little tool.  Apparently my issue is quite common and it stems from random little bits getting crammed into the charging port and keeping the plug from inserting fully, or inserting wonky.  He proceeded to pick at things in the charging port... a lot of things... embarrassing things.

Oh well, at least my phone will charge now, so I guess it was worth all of the suffering.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Underwear Shopping

This shouldn't be brain surgery.  It's underwear.  It serves a purpose, and only you and a few chosen people will ever see it, so why is it so damn complicated?  It's also ridiculously expensive.

I have some requirements:

  • It must not fall down
  • It must not creep into specific areas

That's it, is that too much to ask?

Recently I had to grab some pants, and I also needed new underwear.

I always bypass the racks of underwear hanging up.  I don't want, nor need fancy shmancy expensive underwear, I want a pack of underwear, enough for a week preferably.  I head straight for the wall of underwear packs and immediately I'm angry.

First, I'm quite certain that nobody in any store bothers with organizing the wall of underwear.  It's just a mishmash of styles, sizes, manufacturers.  Why bother taking the time to hang it up, why not just throw them all of the floor?

Second, when did there become 5,000 different styles of underwear?

  • Briefs
  • High Cut Briefs
  • Boyshorts
  • Control Briefs
  • Bikini
  • Hipsters
  • Tanga (whatever that is)
  • Thong
  • G-String
  • Pantaloons
  • Boot cut
  • Venti Extra foam

Third, the packs only come in 6.  SIX?  Does the world just go commando one day a week?  Is this like the great hot dog and hot dog bun fiasco?  Why can't they shove one more pair in there for the whole week?  I do spy a pack that has 6 and 1 free thrown in.  Unfortunately it's a pair of hipsters in size 6XL.

Fourth, each manufacturer has their own special sizing chart.  Once again, instead of just putting the size of your hips, or waist, that can't be done because "feelings" or something.  Apparently women can't be seen by the stranger scanning their pack of size 34 underwear without experiencing some kind of shame and stigma, they want to be a "2" or a "0" or some made up number that means absolutely nothing.  Instead we are forced to look at the back to figure out what size you need through a convoluted scale of measurements.

  • Pants size (which is a trick because pants are not sized the same way)
  • Hat and shoe size
  • Dimensions of a Russet potato
  • Square root of your waist and hips divided by Pi

I had written down the brand and size that I already had, but of course, the manufacturer had changed its sizing chart, so that was worthless.  I made a rough estimate using the dimensions of a Russet potato, picked the style I wanted, and then proceeded to try to find that one in the wall of underwear.

Of course, the ONE pack that has everything is the ungodly fugly designed ones.  The pack that has the colors and style you want are either size 56XLLL, or someone has opened the pack and done who knows what to the underwear.

By some fluke I was able to find the style and size that I could live with, and they actually fit.  Now I want to stockpile them so I have enough for my entire life because I have no idea what underwear shopping will be like next time.