Survival of the Fittest

"My dogs just locked me in a room that has no doorknob on this side"

*life *animals

You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs

"Why did the my friend end up eating a few scrambled eggs for supper? Because she forgot that eggs fall out of a carton when not secured adequately."

*life

Here Mousy Mousy

"Gabby used to love Tampax tampons. She would find one and bring it out to me in the living room (what would I do with it there?) with her very proud caterwauling sound. One time she brought me one when we had company over. Embarrassing."

 *animals

Wrap that Rascal

A friend's dog cut her foot wading in streams, so the friend asked a few of us what she could use as a waterproof booty until her dog's foot healed... we suggested condoms... of course

 *animals

Sticky Situation

"I was getting dressed this morning after a shower and I grabbed a uhmmm… feminine hygiene product… of the panty liner sort… so I set it sticky side up on the bed, and went to grab some panties. About that time Stan hopped up on the bed and rolled over for belly rubbahs. When he got up he froze, then turned and looked at his back leg where it was stuck, looked at me with big WTF eyes, and started spinning in a circle to reach and grab it. Finally grabbed it and realized it was sticky, cuz he couldn't spit it out. Poor boy. His eyeballs were cross-eyed trying to see it. I was laughing so hard! He used his foot to pull it off his mouth and he just sat there holding up a paw with it stuck to his poor paw holding it out to me with the most pitiful expression on his face!!! I finally grabbed it off his foot. Poor boy. I haven't laughed that hard in forever!!!"

*life *animals

But We LOVE You!

"You know that BS I sometimes spout about how an animal brings you unconditional love? Not tonight!!! It's never cool to step in poo, and its DEFINITELY NOT COOL to do so in one's HOUSE."

*animals *life *poop

Home Alone

"For a moment today I was regretting living by myself and that I don't know my neighbors well. I prefer the sort of headphones with the ear buds. The rubbery cover of a bud got stuck in my ear canal. I couldn't get it out at first. I pictured knocking on a neighbors door and handing my tweezers to a near stranger to assist me. I got it out by myself eventually."

 *life

Canonized Crustacean

While vacationing on the coast, a friend and I saw this sign

Who knew shrimp could be sainted?

*life

Another One Breaks an Arm

My friends apparently enjoy breaking limbs while bike riding... which is why I sit on my couch and watch people on bicycles on tv.

*accidents

Oopsies

"I fell down a muddy slope"

*accidents

Soda Down

"When I was at the temp labor place, 2 employees were at a Sonic Drive In to publicize a store opening: One was dressed as a hot dog and the other was dressed as a Route 44 drink. The Drink tripped over a sprinkler while waving at cars and twisted her knee."

 *accidents *work

Face Plant

"How come I can wrangle a 16 dog team without injury BUT I run outside to yell at a dog eating poop and I trip, fly off the back deck and complete it with a world class face-plant. While I was laying there, assessing the damage, the pack came over to me to see if I was OK...or so I thought. I soon discovered someone had pee'd on me!"

*Accidents *Animals

Ass Over Tea Kettle

"I managed to soap up both feet in the shower the other day, do a turn and go ass over teakettle, take out the entire curtain and rod, landed on my ass with both feet still hanging into the tub the other day....  I even managed to hit the shower head so it was spraying out on me and the curtain. It was pretty special."

*Accidents