Stripped from the bowels of my friends' Facebook posts and other insanity that comes out of my head

Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Great Escape

Now that the very important Christmas cookie baking season has passed I'll let my husband attempt to dismantle my oven door to clean the glass from the Thanksgiving turkey escape. Wish us luck!


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Hot Coffee

"I phoned (name brand deleted**) and told them that my morning coffee was a little too hot after their coffeemaker went up in a flaming ball of black smoke. They Fed-Exed me a new one, chrome and all.


** I didn't want to get sued for inferring this particular coffee maker company sells explosive coffee makers

People Still Iron?

"I was ironing once when my iron decided to spark and start on fire. Luckily it was winter and I threw it out in a snowbank."

*life *accidents

Not So Smart Card Reader

A co-worker discovered (the hard way) that there's an empty slot underneath her Smart Card Reader and was too embarrassed to ask for help.  She ended up calling Tech Support after all of her efforts failed.


Friday, December 21, 2012

Cooking Hazards

"Baking cookies and my good hand mixer died... Smoke and everything. :("


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Trick or Treat

Every year around Halloween in my County, there is a prescription drug turn in. My co-worker and I thought it was such a shame that good drugs are being turned in and destroyed...


Do What Feels Right

"My baby is using an Italian seasoning packet as a rattle. whatever. Did I mention she was sitting on a bag of marshmallows while she was doing this?"


Have a Nice Trip

Falling down the stairs, even though landing gracefully, still makes one wake up very sore. Not like I would know first hand or anything. I'm sure near immediate chiropractic care helped tremendously on the soreness issue. Just saying.

 *life *accidents

Shake Your Bootie

"Here we go... Discogram time...."


Sunday, December 9, 2012

Read the Label

I just drank half a glass of eggnog before I realized I had bought egg beaters by mistake.


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Danger from Above

"And I am off to the hospital. Stupid tree branch fell on my head whilst I was mowing the lawn :( this is what happens when I venture from the safety of the couch !"

 *life *accidents

Saturday, December 1, 2012

No Entrance

"I accidentally pushed the knob in today and couldn't get back in. Climbed the fence, tried doggy door, kitty door, garage side door, no luck."


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Horse Play

"Wait until the insurance company hears this claim. Logan bit XXXXX's car....right down to bare metal. I think he was bored."

Logan is a horse


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Sandy Hijinx

"Getting bad here now. We went to supermarket for some last minute things, its a ghost town with nothing open. tried to score something to eat, behold the Pizzaria's around are the only last remaining food to be had....but when I got out of the car and was holding it a huge hurricane gust almost scored my pepperoni pizza and the box started folding and twisting but I saved it by running to the inside of tahoe back.....ok no more outtings till all this is DONE! I sooo thought that while my Pizza was flopping around from the carton peeking out...on top of it my umbrella broke going the wrong way out! And I was trying to throw my hoodie on my head"


The Morning Paper

"My morning newspaper was under a bush. In my jammies, I stepped down to get it and fell about 3 feet, hitting and knocking over my angel statue and landing in the bush. It's cold & raining so I got covered in mud & leaves. Just as I was getting up, the Insight repairman walked up to my door. I'm going back to bed."

 *life *accidents

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Little Known Storm Dangers

"should i be concerned about having no candles? the library where i work is closing at 7 pm due to the storm. if you don't hear from me within a few days, the cats have probably eaten me. ;)"

*animals *life

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Hurricane Sandy

What with the fun-fest that was Hurricane Sandy hitting us Monday and Tuesday, when we lost power I had my sketch pad, pencil, and plenty of spare time to jot down our adventures... here they are.

Immediately after losing power around 5:30pm Monday, the first thing was to run to the back room and begin sucking out water from our sump hole as it filled rapidly.  Thankfully we learned from last time and had hose and waterbed drain kit handy, so while hubby hooked everything up, I used a boat bilge pump to dump water.

After the water was being sucked out fast enough, pretty much all there was to do was sit in the dark.  It is simply amazing how fast you get bored without power... computer... coffee... light

 The poor dogs were pissed that it was not only raining, but the wind was blowing at a gazillion miles per hour.  They were more pissed that they were not allowed to venture without a collar and leash to their designated (by their choice) poo and pee spots and were being forced to "do their business" under the deck in case a tree fell down.  While hubby held the lantern, I braved the elements in my rain gear while each dog disdainfully sniffed under the deck and refused to "go".

Later in the night, we took turns sleeping while the other watched to make sure the sump hole was draining and to alert the other if the roof was ripped off (frankly I think whoever was asleep would have heard that happening).  The dogs used me as a pillow

We have a gazillion computer UPS, so we were able to charge our iPads and iPhones and I was able to facebook sporadically (hey, still no power, really windy and rainy, still here), and play bejewelled and angry birds to keep occupied.  We also had a battery powered (and crank) radio, so we listened to a local AM station that was taking calls of people bitching about not having power, or how they went out and drove around and ran into fallen trees... idiots.

Finally morning came and we could turn off the lanterns and see where we were going.  No major damage to the house and only some large branches down in the yard.

We did see a BGE (electric company) truck drive down the street behind us, and we actually refrained from doing this, but it was tough

 Since the rain had all but stopped and the wind was still about 30mph, we cranked on the propane grill and made coffee... and warmed ourselves on the burner because DAMN it was cold

Sipping hot coffee was like staying in the Ritz Carlton at that point, so tasty and warm... we sat in our living room relaxing for a bit when the F*$&#^%&$ fire alarm went off.  Apparently it was cranky because the alarm back-up battery was dying and it couldn't communicate with the alarm company as our FIOS line backup died hours earlier.

 We shut it off at the keypad and sat back down again... but every half hour the stupid thing went off.  I was all like this

But hubby told me to calm down, now wasn't the time to lose control, everything was fine, nothing to be concerned about.

After the 50th time it went off, hubby was all like this

 We ripped the batteries out of the MoFo and finally had peace and quiet, so we decided to wait for the power to come back on by standing at our big picture window and looking pathetic.

 We heard a truck and danced with joy, only to find out that it was our neighbor.  He had a generator that he lent to a friend who was returning it... and five minutes after our neighbor fired up his generator... we got power back... hehehehe.

From there, it was the culling of the fridge items

The stuff in the freezer stayed cold thanks to baggies of ice we threw in there, so generally all we lost were milk-related items that we just didn't trust.

We were very lucky, unlike some of my friends up in New Jersey and Staten Island who continue to suffer with flooding, no power, no food, no water, no FEMA, no Red Cross, just local support structures, so if you get a chance to donate stuff to good Samaritans driving stuff up to those places, please donate!

Meanwhile we just got word that a Nor'Easter is heading our way around Tuesday... we haven't unpacked any of our survival gear or returned anything to the deck... why bother.


Monday, October 29, 2012

Survival of the Fittest

"My dogs just locked me in a room that has no doorknob on this side"

*life *animals

You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs

"Why did the my friend end up eating a few scrambled eggs for supper? Because she forgot that eggs fall out of a carton when not secured adequately."


Monday, October 22, 2012

Here Mousy Mousy

"Gabby used to love Tampax tampons. She would find one and bring it out to me in the living room (what would I do with it there?) with her very proud caterwauling sound. One time she brought me one when we had company over. Embarrassing."


Wrap that Rascal

A friend's dog cut her foot wading in streams, so the friend asked a few of us what she could use as a waterproof booty until her dog's foot healed... we suggested condoms... of course


Sticky Situation

"I was getting dressed this morning after a shower and I grabbed a uhmmm… feminine hygiene product… of the panty liner sort… so I set it sticky side up on the bed, and went to grab some panties. About that time Stan hopped up on the bed and rolled over for belly rubbahs. When he got up he froze, then turned and looked at his back leg where it was stuck, looked at me with big WTF eyes, and started spinning in a circle to reach and grab it. Finally grabbed it and realized it was sticky, cuz he couldn't spit it out. Poor boy. His eyeballs were cross-eyed trying to see it. I was laughing so hard! He used his foot to pull it off his mouth and he just sat there holding up a paw with it stuck to his poor paw holding it out to me with the most pitiful expression on his face!!! I finally grabbed it off his foot. Poor boy. I haven't laughed that hard in forever!!!"

*life *animals

Saturday, October 13, 2012

But We LOVE You!

"You know that BS I sometimes spout about how an animal brings you unconditional love? Not tonight!!! It's never cool to step in poo, and its DEFINITELY NOT COOL to do so in one's HOUSE."

*animals *life *poop

Home Alone

"For a moment today I was regretting living by myself and that I don't know my neighbors well. I prefer the sort of headphones with the ear buds. The rubbery cover of a bud got stuck in my ear canal. I couldn't get it out at first. I pictured knocking on a neighbors door and handing my tweezers to a near stranger to assist me. I got it out by myself eventually."


Canonized Crustacean

While vacationing on the coast, a friend and I saw this sign

Who knew shrimp could be sainted?


Friday, October 12, 2012

Another One Breaks an Arm

My friends apparently enjoy breaking limbs while bike riding... which is why I sit on my couch and watch people on bicycles on tv.



"I fell down a muddy slope"


Soda Down

"When I was at the temp labor place, 2 employees were at a Sonic Drive In to publicize a store opening: One was dressed as a hot dog and the other was dressed as a Route 44 drink. The Drink tripped over a sprinkler while waving at cars and twisted her knee."

 *accidents *work

Face Plant

"How come I can wrangle a 16 dog team without injury BUT I run outside to yell at a dog eating poop and I trip, fly off the back deck and complete it with a world class face-plant. While I was laying there, assessing the damage, the pack came over to me to see if I was OK...or so I thought. I soon discovered someone had pee'd on me!"

*Accidents *Animals

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Ass Over Tea Kettle

"I managed to soap up both feet in the shower the other day, do a turn and go ass over teakettle, take out the entire curtain and rod, landed on my ass with both feet still hanging into the tub the other day....  I even managed to hit the shower head so it was spraying out on me and the curtain. It was pretty special."


Sunday, September 30, 2012

Super Mom

"My son pronounced that I'm the best mom in the entire world because we are having cinnamon rolls for breakfast"

A new superhero is born


Happy Snow Dance

Apparently there is a tradition called the "Happy Naked Snow Dance" to make it snow... or at least that's what some of my friends tell me... I'm not going to argue


I'm Good

This is pretty self explanatory... well, at least if anyone knows my friends


Angry Pasta

My friend bragged about having angry pasta for dinner... I had know idea there was such a thing


Whatver It Takes

Sometimes when there's no candy in the house, one must go couch spelunking


When Scootering Goes Bad

A friend was scootering with her dogs.  She didn't quite make the curve

But she did get a stylish "fall risk" sash in the hospital

*life *accidents

Terror of the Flat Iron

A Siberian Husky.

A flat iron

Wackiness ensues


Scaredy Pee

A friend's Chihuahua is afraid of fireworks and refuses to "go" in the yard if they are going off.  Unlike larger breed dog owners, she has the capability of "pee assist"